i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
