I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.