I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
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Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.