I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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