broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My balls are so social today.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
