This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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