I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
