How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
