I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
