omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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