I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
