I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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