Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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