Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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