i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
