Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
