I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
