He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
