JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
