Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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