Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
