im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
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