I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I think my moral compass just broke
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