Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
