This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
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No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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