toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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