Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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