i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
