Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
