when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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