The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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