Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
