How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
