yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
