all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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