why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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