Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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