the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
