The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
