He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am naked and annoyed.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
