I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
