every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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