he wants to bone in the snuggie
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
