As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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