seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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