Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
