please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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