nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
