mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
