theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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