Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
