When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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