stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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