She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
