you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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