not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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