don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
