Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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