So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
