The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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